Recently, a friend recounted to me her relationship woes and the agony it caused her.

A few years ago, she and her partner of 8 years moved in together, with plans to marry soon after. Unfortunately, things did not work out and they parted ways eventually. Due to her long period together with this partner, the break-up affected her immensely and she fell into depression for several months after. In the end, she had to go for counselling before she was able to start life afresh again. Her road to emotional recovery was a long and painful one.

You have probably heard a similar tale before, either from a friend, family member, or even stranger. Relationship problems are nothing new.

In fact, it would seem that most of the time, a large number of our problems - and major ones at that - seem to stem from our intimate relationships with another human being.

Most of us have an instinctual desire to seek a lifelong companion to spend the bulk of our adulthood with. While this can yield benefits, very often, it can also yield a great amount of distress, which ends up superceding said benefits. 

What then is the best course of action?

Venerable Thubten Chodron offers some thoughts in this audio file on the issue of romantic relationships and emotional attachment.

And what are my thoughts on the issue?

I have been involved in romantic relationships in the past. I have also seen other people involved in such relationships, and the various ways they can turn out.

My personal stance is that, although an intimate relationship with another person may bring joy and thrills, it also likely to cause grief, negativity and turmoil, the extent to which could not only offset the former - but become so debilitating it causes an individual to resort to extreme measures to solve their relationship problems. Such extreme measures include murder, suicide, drugs, etc.

Of course, not everyone leaves their relationship broken-hearted, disillusioned or cynical. But like the Venerable, I tend to question the logic behind the decision to cultivate a romantic relationship with another person in the first place, given the fact that the stakes are so high.

Instead, my choice is to try to find happiness within myself.

Whether it is intimacy, love, emotional support, companionship, or whatever other positive aspect one wishes to glean from romantic involvement with someone else, I firmly believe, through meditation and mastery of control over one’s emotional state, that it is all achievable by the self.

After all, emotions are but chemical responses that take place within the brain. If we can control how we think and feel, we can definitely find it within ourselves to be happy without the need for "that someone special".

In Singapore, except for Muslims, it is the norm for a person’s organs to be removed and harvested for possible donation after death.

While some religions do not condone organ donation, in Buddhism, it is highly lauded and viewed as a noble act of compassion, for after all, the donor would be improving someone else’s life or maybe even saving it.

In fact, it is said that the Buddha himself had, in a past life, donated his very own body parts - namely his eyes - to a blind man. What is also interesting to note is that this was apparently done in an era during which organ donation had not yet been conceived, much less performed.

In reality, the possibility and virtue of donating one’s organs for the benefit of others had been considered as long ago as 2000 years before organ donation was finally realised.

Sure makes you wonder why more scientists aren’t Buddhists?!

Evolution is generally defined as the concept that species change and adapt to the environment they live in through mutation, natural selection, and survival of the fittest. Charles Darwin first proposed this idea in 1859, and since then, evolution has become widely accepted as an integral part of the study of science, though much controversy still surrounds it.

So can evolution "fit" into Buddhist teaching and principles?

The answer is more of a yes than no.

In his book, Dhammika writes:

"Although not explicitly mentioned in the Tipitaka, the idea of evolution is remarkably consistent with the Buddha’s teachings about the craving to live (bhava tanha) and that everything changes (anicca)."

So the concept of evolution is not at loggerheads at all with what was believed by the Buddha, who even suggested that life first began as simple organisms, which then evolved to become more complex over time.

Buddhist monks and nuns are expected to be celibate.

This is not because sex is viewed as "sinful" or "dirty", but because sex might distract one from achieving mental calm and clarity through meditation.

While sex can be seen as positive, allowing an individual some form of release and gratification, or giving an individual pleasure, it can also cause an individual to lose focus. Engaging in sex also inevitably stirs up desire and fantasies, causing emotional turbulence.

Buddhism does not advocate the death or mutilation of criminals as a form of punishment, because these actions in themselves are cruel, and create much negative kamma for those who enforce them.

Instead, Buddhism suggests reforming criminals so that they may become productive members of society.

This is interesting to consider.

In an ideal world, where we had enough manpower, resources and funds to reform every single criminal, this would be possible. Some criminals would need drugs in their "rehabilitation program" too - since there is scientific evidence to show that, especially for violent criminals, their actions may sometimes be linked to cognitive malfunction or damage (e.g. schizophrenia, psychopathic behaviour), which is in most cases treatable.

However, this is the real world.

It is not economically feasible - or so governments presume - to spend so much on something which might or might not succeed.

The problem is, never in history has there been any attempt at setting up a large-scale, scientifically-studied and endorsed rehabilitation or reform program, and until governments find some huge incentive to do so, there never will be.

The bottomline for would-be offenders now is, make a mistake, and that’s it.

And of course, of greater concern is, what if the person were innocent?

Buddhism understands that all legal systems are human institutions and thus fallible. Wrong convictions do occur, and they can occur anywhere in the world to anyone.

What then? If capital punishment had been dealt out, it would be impossible to justly compensate the victim.

What is the Buddhist stand towards matters pertaining to sex, such as homosexuality and masturbation?

I have mentioned that Buddhism is largely non-judgemental. It is more concerned with what harm an action could do, rather than whether an action should be considered "acceptable" or "not acceptable" from the onset. Applying this thinking to the above two topics, one can arrive at an answer.

Homosexuality
Buddhism does not condemn homosexuality or homosexuals. Its stance towards this issue is neutral - as long as two persons have genuine mutual love for each other and influence each other positively, they should not be barred from developing their relationship.

Masturbation
Though there is no clear instruction on whether masturbation is "permitted" for all people other than monks and nuns, going by the principles of Buddhist belief, it should not be considered undesirable - as long as it does not cause adverse effects on the individual who engages in it.

It is interesting to note that masturbation for monks or nuns is an offence though. This is because such individuals are regarded to have renounced their secular lives in pursuit of the "truth", or "Dhamma", and in the process, one of the many things they must transcend, is sexual desire.

The word "friend" is too liberally used. In reality, most of the people we know are either "contacts" or "acquaintances", but we when we talk with others, we opt for the word "friend" because it is less likely to offend.

The Buddhist understanding of a "friend" is someone who:

• is there for us in both good times and bad;
• encourages us to do good;
• we can confide in and who confides in us;
• rejoices in our happiness;
• speaks well of us.

Based on the above, how many people in your circle can you really consider your "friend"?

In Buddhism, the focus is on achieving "complete freedom of the mind" through meditation. There is a huge emphasis on "mind over matter" - Buddhists believe that the body is secondary, and if one can control one’s mind, one will subsequently be able to control one’s body.

This was what Ram Bahadur Bamjan tried to do. His attempt to meditate for six years undisturbed incurred the interest of scientists, who tried conducting studies to determine how he was able to go without food and water for an extended period of time.

I do believe that the mind is capable of much more than the body is - which is the basis of the saying "where there’s a will, there’s a way". What is of greater interest to me are the techniques one has to put to use in order to control one’s own mind. It’s not that easy - we are easily distracted and our minds naturally like to wander. I guess the key is in focusing.

Theism refers to the belief in a god. Some examples of theistic religions are Islam and Christianity. In Islam, this god referred to is called "Allah", and in Christianity, he is referred to as "God".

Buddhism is a non-theistic religion. This means that in Buddhism, there is no "god". Many people have the mistaken idea that because Buddhists go to temple and pray to a statue of Buddha, Buddha is the "god" they worship. This is not true. Statues of Buddha are not idols for worship, but rather objects of contemplation, and points on which one can focus their attention on.

A study of human history shows that human spiritual consciousness moves through three stages: polytheism, theism, and non-theism.

Polytheism: Primitive tribal peoples attribute different natural phenomena to the many gods and deities of the natural world.

Theism: As primitive tribal cultures become more civilised and structured, and form small societies governed by a monarch or single autocratic figure, they begin to favour the worship of a single entity that is deemed to be omniscient and omnipotent. Theistic religions usually advocate much preaching and evangelism to spread belief in this entity they call their god.

Non-theism: In its highest and most sophisticated stage, the human mind, through observation and a study of science, understands that phenomena occur as part of the order of nature, and not because of the actions of any deity.

As democracy and scientific thinking proliferate, and education levels rise, it is predicted that the non-theistic viewpoint will be increasingly favoured.